Alfaro Graphics


Hilary Sarah Pancoast Torres
August 17, 1977 to August 28, 2010

Hilary''s fovorite things in the whole world are her three beautiful children. She missed seeing them. She missed talking to them on the phone. On February 2, 2010, Hilary bought two notebooks and began these journals. These are her words, unedited - even the hearts.


~ For Damian ~

~ For Cobin ~

Hey Sunshine boy! Since I wished that I could talk to you everyday I decided to start writing to you everyday.

Today is Tuesday and I am sitting here on the couch watching a little TV before I head off to bed. I am working at a company what helps take care of people that are sick and want to stay at home. But I work in the office helping them with the billing & payments. I really like it & all the ladies I work with. It was a long day at work and then Grandma & I with to WalMart & did a little grocery shopping. Not very exciting I know.

I hope you had a good day at school today. I was thinking about how much fun it was to come help you in your class at Taft. I hope to do it again when I get home. I have really missed you guys in the mornings, even though you were cranky in the morning – I miss it. There were so many days that we had our fights but it’s the movie time & Saturday cartoons that stick out in my mind. I’m sorry I ramble but I think about you & your brother every day all day & I don’t think there is enough paper in the world to fill with all my thoughts of you. I love you & miss you more than you know. Sweet dreams Son. I will write more tomorrow.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Damian, It’s Thursday night & I am getting ready to go to bed but I want to write & tell you how much I love you & tell you about my day.

I went to work & then got off & ran to get some cat food for all the cats. We have 5 cats now all together. River & Onion, the black cats that came all the way from Idaho with one pair of eyes between them. We have Cozy that Grandma brought back into the house because he was born here. And then, of course the 2 kittens from Christmas, Persephone & Bastet. I never had a kitten before & now I have two! Besides that my day wasn’t too exciting but I wanted to tell you how much I love you & missy. Whit this day done & gone it makes me one more day closer to you.

I am going to sleep my handsome boy. I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow. I love you all the way to heaven & back a million times. I miss you!!!

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Hi Sunshine Boy!! Another day has come & gone. It was just another day of work. Now I am at home ending another day. Nothing too exciting to report… just went to work. But I love you & miss you & I am one day close to you. I hope school went good for you today.

Until tomorrow, Love Heart Mom XOXO

Damian, Another week is done & what a busy weekend I have ahead of me. Grandma is having a surprise birthday party here tomorrow night & so I am going to do some cleaning & then maybe a little shopping tomorrow afternoon. Today was a good day. Long but good. We had a few people over tonight for dinner. I miss cooking for you boys. My spaghetti isn’t the same without you. Weird huh?

Sephie (the kitten) is getting in my way of writing. I think she is trying to tell me it’s time for bed. I love you & missy Sunshine boy! I will see you soon!

Love Heart Mom XOXO
One day closer to you!

Damian, It’s Monday night & another week has started. This past weekend was pretty busy & yesterday I wasn’t feeling very good.

Saturday night we had a surprise party for Grandma’s friend. It is always a good time. They are all Grandma’s age but what a great group of friends she has.

Sunday was a lazy day since I wasn’t feeling very good. So I laid around & watched my favorite show “Law & Order” and went to bed early.

Today was a good day at work. Nothing too exciting. But I did get some pictures in the mail of Sarah, your sister. She has been starting to ask questions about her real mother. My Auntie Doris, I think you might remember her, is a regular part of her life. Sarah now knows that she is her real Great Aunt Doris & Doris told her about you & Cobin. I can’t wait until you & I get to see Sarah. Not sure when it will be, maybe a few more years, but it will come sooner than we expect I am sure.

I need to write to your brother so I am going to stop until tomorrow.

I love you so much Damian Ryan & I miss you more than you know. Sweet dreams Sunshine Boy!!! We are one day closer.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Damian, Hey Son! Today was another day of work ad I am thankful for the job & wonderful people who have made it possible to make it to you. Because without work life seems to st& still.

I miss you so much Damian & I am hoping that one day you will forgive me for letting you down. I forgot how important you were after Papa died & I really screwed up. I can’t wait till this is all behind us & we can sit around the table & listen to each other’s days.

I am going to head to bed. I love & miss you Sunshine Boy. Sweet dreams!

LoveHeart Mom XOXO

So it has been a while since I have written to you. The last month or so has been about the same. I get up & go to work, come home, watch my Law & Order (if it’s on) & head to bed to get my beauty sleep to face another day.

Work is going good. I am still at the same place & going to start looking for a 2nd job. Grandma is feeling better & it’s easier for her to get around. So it isn’t hard for her to drive so much.

I got your messages about the Valentine’s Day presents. It really hurts for you to be so hateful towards me but I understand where you are because I did the same thing to Grandma when I was her daughter.

I think about you & your brother every-day & I miss you so much. I have gotten better & I don’t cry as much because I tell myself that it won’t last forever. I love you SO MUCH!


Today was a rough day because I missed you & your brother so much. Some days are just harder than others.
I only had to work half of a day so I took Grandma to the doctor to get a check up. Then I relaxed the rest of the day.

I started watching “Where the Wild Things Are” on television but it just made me miss you guys even more. I wish I could call you & see how you are but it just seems to make it harder on you. I pray that I can make it home soon so you don’t have to be in the middle of so much anger. I wish you could feel the love I have for you in my heart. All the miles between us doesn’t change one ounce of it.

I love you & miss you so-o-o- much! Sweet Dreams Son!

Love Heart Always

I wish I understood why I let go so easily like I did. I love you & your brother so much. When my parents got a divorce it was a biter & hateful fight between them. Your Dad & I always swore that we would never do it to you two.

I am so sorry that I let you down & didn’t fight harder like I promised. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of you & cry because my heart hurts so bad. I wake up every day & put a smile on my face & tell myself I am one day closer to you.

I pray for God to send angels to watch over you but I know they can’t shield you from what you have to go through when things get angry.

We are one day closer. I love you so much!

Love Heart Always

(These journals are shared here with love for Damian and Cobin.)

Hey Cobie Obie! I thought that I would start writing to you ever day since I don’t get to talk to you. When this is all full I will send it to you are give it to you which ever comes sooner. Hopefully I will see you before I have to send it.
I am working at a place that helps people in their homes when they are really sick. But I don’t help the sick people, I work in the office helping with the billing and payments.

Everyone that I work with is really nice & I have already told them about you & Damian.

I hope you had a good day at school today. I bet it was cold since I heard that it was snowing in Boise not too long ago.

I think about you guys all the time & wonder how you are doing. I miss your smiling faces so much & you know what? I sing to you guys when I go to bed & tell you I love you.

These last months haven’t been easy but they won’t last forever. Because no matter how far away or how close to you I am. I love you more than anything in this whole world. Don’t ever forget it & don’t let your brother forget it either. Remember you & your brother are closest family you will ever have. You & Damian are the only 2 people in the world that have the same blood running through your veins. I know you & Damian are upset but, like I said before, it’s not forever & I will be back sooner than you think.

I love and miss you so much!!! Good night my sweet boy.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Cobin, Well another day has come and gone and do you know what that means? That I am one day closer to you!!

Today is Thursday & I went to work and then went out to a pet store that one of Grandma’s friends owns. I got some cat food for all the cats. All together we have 5 cats. Grandma still has the black kitties with one. Do you remember them? And then Cozy who came with the house. And then the 2 little kittens that I got at Christmas. They are getting so big. The smallest kitten, Stephi reminds me of you. Always on the go & into stuff just like you were when you were little.

Well baby boy, I am going to get to bed since I have to be up at 5am. Hope you have a good day at school tomorrow!!!

Sweet Dreams – I love you all the way to heaven and back a million times.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Cobin, Today was just another day. Went work and came home. It’s Thursday and you went to school & I hope you had a good day. Nothing exciting by I love you and I miss you & tomorrow is another day that brings me closer to you.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Cobin, I am so glad today is Friday. It was a long day at work. Wow! But I can put another week behind me.

Tomorrow Grandma is going to throw a surprise party for a friend of hers. So I am going to get up early and do some cleaning in the morning.

We had some friends over for dinner tonight & I am tired. Stayed up way passed my bedtime. Even beautiful mommies like yours need their beauty sleep. Ha Ha!

I am going to head to bed. I love and miss you sunshine boy!

Love Heart Mom XOXO
One day closer to you!

Cobin, Monday again has come and gone. It was a busy weekend.

Saturday we had a surprise party for one Grandma’s friends. She has a lot of great friends and it is always a good time when they all get together.

Sunday was a lazy day. I wasn’t feeling very good so I laid around and watched “Law & Order” my favorite show. I just remembered that it was Superbowl Sunday yesterday & I hope you and your brother had fun watching the game.

Work went good today. Just another day. But I did get pictures of you sister Sarah. She has been asking questions about me & found out that she has 2 brothers from my Auntie Doris. You remember Auntie Doris? So soon enough we will all get to see her & you guys can meet your sister. How exciting, huh?

Well Mama is tired & needs to head to bed. I love you so much Cobin Thomas & I miss you more that words can say. Sweet dreams Sunshine boy!! Til tomorrow when we will be one day closer.

Love Heart Mom XOXO

Cobin, Happy Tuesday Cobie- Obie!!! I know I have said this before but I miss your handsome little face so much. I try to remember what it felt like to wrap my arms around you. I do my best to think positive & about happy thoughts but from time to time a few heartaches sneak in. I miss your giggle when you are pickin on me or when I am being silly. I wish so badly I could go back in time & remember to love you more. I am sorry for letting you down & giving up so easily. I feel like I need to explain a few things. You remember how your heart hurts when you miss me & it makes you cry & you wish that you could snap your fingers poof I would be there to make it all better. Well when Papa died that is how I felt & instead of crying & missing him, it was easier for me to pretend that my heart didn’t hurt.

Then I did forget how important everything was around me. I love you so much, son & if I could do things different I would & me a better mom. Because I have 2 of the best boys in the world & I am the luckiest mom in the world. I hope one day you will forgive me for letting you down & I promise that I will never ever, ever forget how wonderful you & your brother are to me.

I love and miss you Sunshine boy!! Sweet dreams!
Love Heart Mom XOXO

Hey Cobie! I hope everything is going okay for you. I haven’t written in a while & so I need to catch up.

Nothing much different here. Still working at the same place as I told you about before. Usually my days are about the same. Go to work, come home, watch my favorite show Law & Order (if it’s on) & then to head to bed to face another day in the morning.

I miss you more that ever! I called a few weeks ago by Damian called me back & told me about the V-day presents. I am sorry monkey. I am tring to get things together so I can hurry home. I miss your face & your kisses & hugs & most of all you!!

I love you so much!!!

Love AlwaysHeart

How I miss you today, Sunshine Boy!

Took Grandma to the Dr to make sure everthing is still going good. Only had to work a 1/2 a day today & so I spent the rest of the day relaxing w/Grandma.

Started watching "Where the Wild Things Are" but it just made me miss you. I wish I could share so much with you.

I hpe that you & your brother had a good day. Had the worst feeling last night and hoped that your guys were oday. I want to pick up the phone everyday to call & see how you are but it seems to make it harder on you. It hurts my heart that you are in the middle of so much anger but I pray that I can make it home soon.

I love you & miss you soooo much! Sweet Dreams, Son.

Love Heart Away

I am sitting here thinking of you as I always do. I wish I could go back & change it all. I am so sorry that I am not there for youbut soon enough I will be.

I hope the angels are watching over you. I pray for God to send them since I can't be there. One day the anger that you have to endure will end & thing will be better. I miss you more than you know & we are one day closer. I love you soooo much!

Love Heart Always,

Hey Son! I hope life is going good for you. Just like any day I miss you and your brother more than anything. I wish sometimes when my phone rings it will be you or your brother. I haven't talked to you guys in 3 months. I want to hear how your days are & who you played with & most of all how school is going.

I went to work today just like yesterday and the day before. I applied for another position in the company. I will bring in more $ so I can get home quicker.

Grandma is doing good and she misses you too. Uncle Billy asks about you hoping that I have heard from you guys.

Just another night in Texas. I am going to bed. You are my sunshine, Little Man and I love you soooo much!!!

LoveHeart XOXO

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